So I've been in a chronically bad mood since about Monday. I woke up Monday morning and felt different as soon as I opened my eyes. And it doesn't help that I didn't work out that morning either.
Kylie started her job and has worked 2 days so far. My job(s) are quite demanding the last week of the month and the first few days of the month. So last week was a little stressful for me and to start this week not feeling well didn't offer me much encouragement.
I keep thinking about patience and charity and how difficult it is for me to practice any of these virtues when it comes to Kylie. I just can't stand it. We went to court yesterday and the judge was pretty unwilling to let Kylie off probation. The probation officers actually have the most say in this...but showing up after 2 months with only 6 hours of community service done and a drug and alcohol assessment NOT done didn't help either the judge or the probation officer to let her off. SO instead we get another 90 days. Another great mood helper.
I am going to be honest. Travis and I are definitely not on the same page when it comes to what to do with Kylie. She has been ok with her medication. She still has what I perceive to be manic episodes and mild crashes. Travis wants her to get married and therefore be emancipated. I would like to see her go to residential treatment. Both options are not great options. But neither is staying home so really I don't see any way to win here.
I asked her to clean the bathroom before she left today. It wasn't done.
I asked her to walk to work. She posted on facebook she needed a ride. Then she said her manager texted her (on the phone David got her) and said she didn't have to come in. I believe this story to be 2% true.
I asked her to not go to David's because his mom smokes. She went. She paid someone to take her.
I asked her to get a ride to community service. She didn't. So I drove out there and picked her up and took her. Let's just say the house and land David lives on isn't in the best condition but then I didn't expect it to be.
I asked her to not leave again after community service. She did.
I asked her to be home by curfew. She made up some lie about why she couldn't and didn't come home on time.
She does whatever she wants and thinks she doesn't have to have adult consequences for any of it. This girl is headed to jail.
Several months back I went to the temple and had a strong feeling that everything would be ok. I am strongly questioning if things really will be ok because the fact of the matter is that it doesn't feel ok. It hasn't felt ok for months. Maybe even years. Last year at this time I remember feeling upset that things were not good around my birthday and here we are a year later with things still not good...possibly worse. When they talk about enduring your trials well I see over and over how I am not enduring well. I have a lot of bitterness, anxiety, and fear in my heart. And I don't know how to let it go. It's hard to let it go when your trial is constantly in your face all day. It's clear to me that she chooses his family over ours. She chooses a different lifestyle over ours.
On a positive note I got released today from cub scouts. I'm sure they were happy to see me go since I was constantly trying to find a sub because I am always dealing with Kylie stuff whether it be appointments, counseling, court, etc. That would definitely be a calling I never felt I magnified.
I just know that dealing with all this and Kylie's bi-polar makes me feel really alone because people really just don't understand what it's like to deal with it and her day in and day out. It constantly nags at you even when she's not around. I've had a great time spending time with my two little ones with Travis and Kamryn gone and of course Kylie gone. I feel bad that Kylie prefers David's siblings over them but thankfully they don't see it that way.
I just need to do what I posted...Breathe in...Breathe out...Repeat...
