Once upon a time....

Once upon a time about 17 years ago there was a beautiful baby girl born 2 days late.  Her parents named her Kylie.  They loved and adored her even though as a baby she was very intense.  They were both careful to spoil her and would do anything to get her to sleep...even take her on long car rides.  To their dismay though, she would wake up the minute the car stopped moving and would often cry for long periods of time.  But nevertheless they loved and adored her.  As the baby got older she continued to be an intense little toddler and girl.  Her parents soon learned that one of her greatest talents was that of being very strong willed.  Even as a baby when she was learning to crawl she would drag and pull her body wherever she wanted to go as she had not yet learned to scoot on her knees. 

It wasn't long before she learned to walk (aka run) and loved to play the game of running away from her parents.  Especially if she was doing something naughty.  She loved to play this game with Grandma too! 

She was a fast little girl and she was also a smart little girl.  She recognized letters and read at an early age.  As she developed through grade school her strong willed temper coupled with her intelligence brought both happiness and sorrow for her parents. 

She wanted to be a veterinarian at a young age and her parents thought she would be so good at it because she loved animals and she was smart so they knew she could finish school and become whatever she wanted to be.  She was a sensitive girl and felt sympathy for others especially if it included animals.  Her parents saw lots of promise in her and her future.  They dreamed of college education and a temple marriage...even  a marriage to a functional guy would have been an ok dream!

As she grew a more deceptive part of her personality began to come out.  She needed and liked attention and would get that however she could whether positively or negatively.  She would often shed herself in good light to impress others and it was hard for her to see or accept responsibility when others knew she was lying to them.  But she was smart.  Really smart.  So her parents continued to dream.

As time went on and other life circumstances took place she internalized much of what was going on around her.  She did not know how to share or understand her sadness or feelings.  Then something traumatic happened to her that changed her completely and she needed lots of validation and the only way to get that was through cutting and bleeding.  She developed other coping skills too like smoking, drinking, sex and her need for attention from the opposite sex became a survival tool in her life.  The more these coping skills took over her life the more she needed validation from a boy.  It didn't matter what kind of boy...actually it did...it had to be a boy that would understand her completely.  A well-mannered and groomed boy would not do the trick...she tried it but it just didn't work for her.  This was a special kind of boy she chose.  It would have to be someone she could control and manipulate just enough yet he would need to love and adore her for all her faults and good qualities too.  Her parents began to question their dream for her and slowly began realizing what potential they saw in her might be slowly suffocating. 

Her intelligence and book smarts soon would take a back seat to all of her negative coping skills.  Reality and judgement had no place in her life.  Personal responsibility for choices was next to non-existent.  There was no room for rules in her life.  Only her rules.  Those around her would watch her go down a long and fast slide to nowhere. 

Many of those she grew up with would go on to live fully functioning lives.  And it was painful for her parents to watch.  It was painful to watch her classmates graduate from school, attend the prom, excel in their talents, and gain testimonies of what would work in their lives and what wouldn't.  It was painful to watch other teens make mistakes and learn from them.  What was wrong with their daughter that she could not gain this concept? 

Others her age are now preparing for their Senior year of high school.  This includes senior projects, group dates, driving, dancing, even parties.  It would include having fun.  Taking a chance to be a little carefree and happy. 

Not Kylie.  Her fun is supporting her boyfriend in a trailer and working KFC.  Her carefree and happy is worrying about if her boyfriend is going to jail again.  Oh she's happy...posting pictures of her and David and their cat Maverick.  Her little "family".  And I just know her parents are sitting at home praying she will see the light at some point.  Worrying...wondering if this is the life she will live the rest of her time on earth.  Family...huh...once upon a time.  Once upon a time and happily ever after...hardly seems like either of them ever existed.

Breathe in...Breathe out...Repeat...

So I've been in a chronically bad mood since about Monday.  I woke up Monday morning and felt different as soon as I opened my eyes.  And it doesn't help that I didn't work out that morning either.

Kylie started her job and has worked 2 days so far.  My job(s) are quite demanding the last week of the month and the first few days of the month.  So last week was a little stressful for me and to start this week not feeling well didn't offer me much encouragement.

I keep thinking about patience and charity and how difficult it is for me to practice any of these virtues when it comes to Kylie.  I just can't stand it.  We went to court yesterday and the judge was pretty unwilling to let Kylie off probation.  The probation officers actually have the most say in this...but showing up after 2 months with only 6 hours of community service done and a drug and alcohol assessment NOT done didn't help either the judge or the probation officer to let her off.  SO instead we get another 90 days.  Another great mood helper.

I am going to be honest.  Travis and I are definitely not on the same page when it comes to what to do with Kylie.  She has been ok with her medication.  She still has what I perceive to be manic episodes and mild crashes.  Travis wants her to get married and therefore be emancipated.  I would like to see her go to residential treatment.  Both options are not great options.  But neither is staying home so really I don't see any way to win here. 

I asked her to clean the bathroom before she left today.  It wasn't done.

I asked her to walk to work.  She posted on facebook she needed a ride.  Then she said her manager texted her (on the phone David got her) and said she didn't have to come in.  I believe this story to be 2% true.

I asked her to not go to David's  because his mom smokes.  She went.  She paid someone to take her.

I asked her to get a ride to community service.  She didn't.  So I drove out there and picked her up and took her.  Let's just say the house and land David lives on isn't in the best condition but then I didn't expect it to be. 

I asked her to not leave again after community service.  She did.

I asked her to be home by curfew.  She made up some lie about why she couldn't and didn't come home on time.

She does whatever she wants and thinks she doesn't have to have adult consequences for any of it.  This girl is headed to jail. 

Several months back I went to the temple and had a strong feeling that everything would be ok.  I am strongly questioning if things really will be ok because the fact of the matter is that it doesn't feel ok.  It hasn't felt ok for months.  Maybe even years.  Last year at this time I remember feeling upset that things were not good around my birthday and here we are a year later with things still not good...possibly worse.  When they talk about enduring your trials well I see over and over how I am not enduring well.  I have a lot of bitterness, anxiety, and fear in my heart.  And I don't know how to let it go.  It's hard to let it go when your trial is constantly in your face all day.  It's clear to me that she chooses his family over ours.  She chooses a different lifestyle over ours. 

On a positive note I got released today from cub scouts.  I'm sure they were happy to see me go since I was constantly trying to find a sub because I am always dealing with Kylie stuff whether it be appointments, counseling, court, etc.  That would definitely be a calling I never felt I magnified. 

I just know that dealing with all this and Kylie's bi-polar makes me feel really alone because people really just don't understand what it's like to deal with it and her day in and day out.  It constantly nags at you even when she's not around.  I've had a great time spending time with my two little ones with Travis and Kamryn gone and of course Kylie gone.  I feel bad that Kylie prefers David's siblings over them but thankfully they don't see it that way. 

I just need to do what I posted...Breathe in...Breathe out...Repeat...

And...the honeymoon's over....Not sure it ever started!

Trav and I got up early to go to the gym and Trav made a quick trip downstairs to check on Kylie and guess what we found???  She wasn't alone.  Again.  She got home last night about 10:00PM and already had snuck David in by 5:00...or sometime before 5 actually.  I thought I had every imaginable device in our house locked in my room so either I missed one (Toby's kindle maybe?) or she has one I'm not aware of.  Either way...she found some way to communicate.

One of the benefits of our gym is that our PLL state mental health advocate Karen also goes there in the morning.  So we had a nice talk on the floor...all of us sweating...after our workouts... with her.  She gave us some options.  A bed had already been open for Kylie at RTC so that was good and we resolved we would haul her "happy butt" back to Blackfoot.  Trav took another day off to deal with it. 

Well I think the rest of this story is obvious.  Kylie refused to go...so we had to make some threats...police were called...they told us they couldn't do anything...

blah blah blah...

Trav finally got upset with them and told them she tried to commit suicide last weekend and we need her somewhere safe.  I guess I don't blame the police.  They don't know how good she is at making us look crazy and how innocent she is.  Sure...she snuck her boyfriend in but that doesn't warrant RTC and she tried to talk to us about it and wanted and deserved a different consequence that wasn't so hard. And the police only see it as an isolated incident.  I'm sure they are all together talking about what crazy parents we are.  I mean...we've met NINE of them now.  How many can there be in Ammon???!!! 

Well we got the probation officer on the phone who I also sometimes suspect thinks we are crazy.  We got Karen on the phone and she offered to talk to the police to tell them that Kylie is out of control and needs the authoritative order for her to go.  The officer spoke with his supervisor who finally told him after an hour of them being here that he could take her to the Gus House in Idaho Falls.  It's a group home type setting but we found the woman there to be quite helpful.

I can't express the way my heart broke as I watched her being cuffed and walked out to the police car barefoot, baggy sweats that are too big and frankly a little ghetto, a sweatshirt, messy matted hair, and her face looking so broken and mentally ill.  I know it sounds like it couldn't be but I can SEE the mental illness in her eyes and face.  Kamryn turned to me and said after she left, "I hope nobody we know saw that because that would be really embarrassing."  Haha...guess what Kamryn...those 2 police cars were parked outside for over an hour.  A policeman was standing at the front door...another in the bathroom with Kylie...and the one who was "in charge" of it all.  They were the most unwilling to help this time as I have ever seen.  I knew if they didn't do something we had lost power with Kylie and the police did too...luckily they got permission to escort her to Gus house.  I'm betting the neighbors right about now are thrilled we moved into the neighborhood.   I just can't decide if she's manic right now or on the downside.  Usually when she's manic she at least combs her hair and puts on a little mascara.  But her ravenous eating, lack of sleep and hypersexual feelings tell me otherwise.  I wonder if we will get a med change.  But then it doesn't matter if she doesn't take them.

We were privileged to sit through another "admitting process" with all the questions.  And then my heart broke again as she explained how she has no friends and no support system.  I guess we as her parents don't count as a support system.  The funny thing is that she didn't even mention David as being a support for her.  I can read in to that a million ways.  And then the worst part of it all...I watched Travis completely break down.  I mean sob like a baby like I've never ever seen before.  I've really only seen him cry maybe 4 times in our 18+ years of marriage and never seen him sob like that.  Which in turn made me cry.  And Kylie.  What a mess we all are.  The good part is that Travis gets his emotional day...I had mine Sunday... and I'm feeling good enough at this point to take over the shift for a while so he can take an emotional vacation for a while.  Our Bishop actually told me we would need to do that from time to time! 

New Haven RTC hasn't called or emailed me back.  Not a good sign.  So I guess I start paperwork to see if Butte will take her. 

Bi-polar is kicking my butt.  And I'm not even the one who has it.

On a different note...I am reading this book by Jessie Close (Glenn Close's sister) that Deb recommended to me and it is so good.  It has given me so much insight into her illness.  So many things that Jessie went through and her thought process is so similar to Kylie that I just can't deny for a minute that she is bi-polar. 

I hope and pray no other member of my family has to go through this hell with any of their kids.  It is so hard to watch your child self-destruct before your very eyes.  It's sometimes too much for this heart to take.

"Pure Christlike LOVE flowing from true righteousness can change the world."  Jeffrey R Holland
 Happy Valentine's Day!

Another Cycle

I wish I had kept up on this a little better.  We have been on a pretty rocky road with our Kylie.  We have seen a downward spiral with a speedy nosedive within the last couple weeks.  Christmas was rough as we admitted Kylie into RTC on Christmas day in the wee early hours of the morning.  She had left several times without permission and Christmas 1AM was the second night in a row we woke up to cigarette smoke in the house with an overbearing smell.  We "invited" a cop to come over who confiscated the cigarettes and then gave her a ticket where she had to appear in court.  She thought she would not get much trouble but the judge gave her 20 hours of community service, a tobacco awareness class, and probation for at least 30 days.  Her next court date is Mar. 3. 

We filed a felony rape case against a 21 year old who had sex with Kylie back in November (although I had originally thought it was much earlier in the spring) and we are in proceedings for a pre-trial set for the 20th.  The male is ordered to stay 300 yards away from Kylie and our home and this will be extended to a time period of 3 years starting at his hearing on Feb 19.  He posted bail and is out of jail as of Friday.

We took a trip home over New Year's and Kylie was doing so-so at that time.  She was starting to come off the honeymoon period we had been on since her return from RTC over Christmas.  Getting her to take her meds regularly has been a huge struggle.  Sometime around New Years she started hanging out with David...the new and current boyfriend.  David is...mentally ill to say the least.  A part of my heart goes out to the kid who literally has nothing but the shirt on his back.  He doesn't have a good past mostly due to non-existent parents.  His dad has been in prison for several years and his mom disowned him a couple years ago when David and his stepdad got in to it when his stepdad was drunk.  David has been in and out of friends homes for the past 2 years.  He is 18.  He really is mentally ill...I suspect bi-polar and he is also a pill popper.  Any conversations I have read between he and Kylie have 1--reaffirmed to me they are both mentally ill and 2--mostly filthy conversations with subject matter and language a huge red flag. 

He has been in the house at least 3 times that I can think of...two of them uninvited where he came through the window downstairs.  Let's just say alarms are coming...they will be here on Kylie's birthday ironically enough. 

The last couple weeks have been rough with Kylie.  It all sorta started when I asked her to take her meds.  She got extremely agitated that I asked her to take her meds and after yelling about it promptly left the house without permission.  And everything kinda spiraled downhill from there.  I don't believe she took her meds for a few weeks although she would disagree.  Regardless...if she did take them here and there it wasn't on a consistent basis.

I met with my Bishop last week.  I just needed some direction on where to go with her because it is so emotionally draining to deal with her on a daily basis.  I know that sounds harsh but it is.  It's emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining.  He said some really good things to me and when I left I felt I had revelation that helping and dealing with her is not going to end any time soon.  We could still be dealing with this for many years.  But I also felt a sense of peace that Heavenly Father loves me and that the Atonement will work for me every day if I choose to use it.  He also reminded me that our Heavenly parents lost 1/3 of their children and did I consider them to be bad parents?  Of course not.  He counseled me to go to the temple.  I took that counsel and went yesterday.  I have been on the edge of so many emotions this last week.

Saturday Kylie overdosed on caffeine pills.  She tried to commit suicide.  It takes 600 mg to overdose on caffeine.  Kylie took 3000 mg.  We were on our way to Blackfoot to take her to RTC when she asked us to pull over.  We pulled over twice and she threw up the second time.  Travis asked her if she had taken something and she admitted she had taken 15 caffeine pills.  We took her to the hospital where she threw up more and they put on her on some medication to bring her heart rate down and to calm her down.  They UA'd her.  They took really good care of her.  I am so impressed with the ER here and we have been there several times so I guess I feel I can make that statement.  When she was well enough to leave we took her to RTC where she has been the last 5 days. 

She is coming home tonight.  We have such mixed feelings.  We have started the process of looking in to other placements outside the home for her.  When I went to church on Sunday I think I had the realization of what had happened Saturday.  She tried to take her own life.  She is so unhappy...fueled not only by mental illness but bad choices.  My heart is sick that she is so unhappy that she actually attempted.  I realized that we can't keep her safe at home...the place she is supposed to feel the safest.  Where we are ALL supposed to feel safe none of us do.  And I don't want her to go away because I love her and I feel a sense of "motherliness" when all my children are home under one roof but we just can't keep her safe.  She's so sick.  We explained to the younger kids that her brain is sick.  We explained to them it is sick because of genetics but also because of her choices.  A little funny side note is that I told Toby is he played Minecraft too much his brain would get sick.  I was mostly referring to addiction because he does spend more time than I think is healthy on it...but a couple days later I noticed he hadn't been playing it as much and he came up to me and said "I'm going to play Minecraft but not for very long because I don't want my brain to get sick."  I am happy he realizes how bad it really is for your brain to be sick.

I went downstairs to clean her room while she has been gone.  She had been sleeping in Tyler's unfinished room downstairs on the floor in the closet.  Mostly I think because it was closer to the window she could sneak herself and David in and out of.  I just had an overwhelming sense of how much I love her as I was cleaning her filthy and disgusting room.  And I felt such an overbearing loss.  I've never lost a child but I wondered if that is what it felt like.  I have definitely lost Kylie.  She's in there somewhere...I know she is but I don't know when she will be back. 

Yesterday when I was at the temple I ended up sitting by Sherry Weyland.  She is the wife of the famous Mormon fiction writer Jack Weyland.  They were both in our ward in Rexburg when Trav and I lived there 18 years ago.  I said hi to her and told her I remembered her from many years ago.  She did not remember me.  That was ok.  But as I sat by her I reflected on being in that ward and taking my baby Kylie Rae and we had even gone to her home a couple times.  I think I was her visiting teacher actually.  But I thought of when Kylie was a baby and although she was an intense baby how much I loved her and then I thought how I wished I could have a do-over with her.  Would it make a difference?  Maybe.  Or maybe not. Maybe this is the trial we were meant to have and bear.  I spent quite a chunk of time in the Celestial Room and by the time I left the temple a few things were clear to me.  First, my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I am going through.  Second, He loves Kylie and is the only true judge of her actions and the part her illness plays in it.  Third, I will be able to handle whatever comes next.  I did not get any direct answers as to what we should do with her next but I didn't exactly know for sure what I wanted or needed to pray for as weird as that sounds.  I really just went because I wanted to feel close to my Heavenly Father and I did.  What a blessing.

So we are pretty much narrowed down to two different facilities...one in Utah and one in Montana.  It really just depends on funding from this point forward.  Karen, our state mental health coordinator and the PLL counselor...Brieann, Kylie's counselor...and Brenda, Kylie's probation officer have all been a huge help to us.  What a blessing to have them all in our life and to have them pulling for our family and Kylie.  Karen has gone above and beyond.  I can guarantee she does not make enough money for what she does and she is very good at it.  And I'm so grateful for my good Bishop.  I'm grateful for the counsel he gave me and for the way he loves Kylie and the rest of my children.  I've said it before and I will say it again...our ward is phenomenal.  I have felt no judgement there.

Kylie comes home today.  Let's all hope and pray she grants us another honeymoon period and that Travis and I stay as close as we can to the Spirit so we can make the right decisions for her and our family. 

Let me count the ways...

Well my bi-polar/borderline personality daughter has successfully made me feel bi-polar.  A bi-polar scrooge actually...I just can't get in the Christmas spirit.  I can't sleep at night.  I can't focus during the day. My mood swings are getting on my own nerves. My poor kids!  I'm watching my daughter take a downward spiral and she's going downhill fast.  She is smoking every day now.  She has a new boyfriend and boy is he a winner. 

I have been going over constantly in my mind all the things I have done wrong with my daughter.  Starting from when she was little.  I think I spanked her excessively.  I guess I didn't know any differently how to discipline her.  I can count on one hand the number of times my other children have been spanked.

At some point I allowed her to gain control of the house and I'm feeling it today how much control she has over the mood of the house.  Just the fact I don't have a shred of Christmas spirit says a lot.

I have successfully taught her how to not learn from her mistakes.

I have not instilled in her a good self-esteem.  I don't even know how to at this point.

Perhaps I have moved her too many times.

I haven't taught her how dangerous it is to use substances.  Although I thought I had.

I haven't taught her good coping skills.  I mean I don't even know if I have them.  My coping skills are to avoid confrontation at all costs and eat milk duds.

And then there is the big colossal mistake a made that I somehow relate all her behavior back to and feel so much guilt about that I can't sleep at night.  I go over and over it in my mind and wonder constantly had I not made that mistake if everything would be different now.  Maybe it wouldn't...but maybe it would.  Talk about real life consequences. 

I'm ready for her to leave.  She is disrupting the entire family.  Kamryn got in to it with her last night because she can't stand her boyfriend and let her know it.  And I found out today that she was "ordering" her cigarettes from someone on the phone in front of my little kids.  Not cool.

So now we are at this decision again...do we admit her somewhere or do we kick her out?  Do we keep trying to go on with PLL and our contract?  She has already blown through her first 2 consequences and we should have implemented the third but didn't...I guess because we didn't want to see her in residential treatment over Christmas.  That and the fact we had several responsibilities on Sunday that we couldn't shirk. Yeah...I'm over it.  By the way...did you know that the Miss Hannigan in the new Annie is black?  Yep...that's how we found out she broke the contract and was not where she was supposed to be.  Last time I checked Cameron Diaz was white!  That was the 3rd time she broke the contract.  The first being the night it was implemented and the second being the next day when she left without permission. 

The Atonement is still in effect.  I can't survive this hell without it.  Thank goodness I have Travis to go through this with.  The other person that loves her unconditionally on this earth.  That commonality means everything to me at this point. 

Exhausted!

So I started a post about a week ago and while I was typing the computer erased everything I had written so I gave up.  So here I am again but I probably shouldn't be blogging right now because I am extremely frustrated right now.  Oh well...here goes the venting session.

I'm tired.  Exhausted actually.  It's been a rough week with Kylie.  On top of her not taking her medication regularly and her attitude I am just ready to walk away.  But I know I cycle through this with her all the time.  Our PLL classes have been going well and when Karen leaves this house I always feel we are moving in a positive direction.  Then comes the time when I actually have to deal with the behavior and attitude and it sucks.  We have to be on our game with her every second of every minute and it's exhausting.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of running her to appointments.  I'm sick of going to appointments.  It is every day of the weekday that she or we have 1-2 appointments concerning her whether it be counseling, family counseling, PLL, CBRS...and then we have tons of medical bills on top of it and I'm sick to death of it.  I'm sick of trying to balance out the other kids with her issues.  The other kids by the way that are making good choices and making an effort at a good life.  It's not fair to them and I'm sick of them taking the back burner to Kylie. 

I honestly was trying to figure out a way tonight to just ship her off.  They keep telling us in PLL that we need to be careful about outside resources because the child might lose all respect for us and when they come back in the home they go back to old behaviors.  We saw this when she came home from the youth ranch.  But honestly...the girl is almost 17.  Can't she just go somewhere for a year and turn 18 and then she can do whatever she wants...legally???!!!  I mean...sometimes it seems like she does that now just not at the legal age. 

I usually try to end on a positive note with these posts but I am burnt out.  I love the poor girl.  Mental illness sucks.  Being a teenager sucks.  Being a parent of a mentally ill teenager sucks.  We have so many irons in the fire right now I just want a week off of being that parent but when your girl is mentally ill you never ever ever get that week off.  I couldn't even write a Christmas letter this year because I was afraid I couldn't come up with enough positive to say about her.  I'll get over this selfish attitude soon I'm sure but for now I'm just spent.

Merry Christmas everyone!

A leap forward

We have had a pretty quiet weekend.  And I'm not complaining.  I like it.  Friday Kylie went to the doctor to her medication adjusted.  I feel it will be a good adjustment and back to the original dose she was at at BHC.  I don't know why they readjusted it at state hospital.  We have looked in to a couple other drugs that are recommended for bi-polar but her doctor feels she should stay on the abilify for mood stabilizer. 

Thursday night we went to family counseling with Taylor.  Taylor is a young and very new counselor.  In fact we are his first family.  The last time we saw Taylor which was several weeks ago I left with the impression that he was going to drop us.  Apparently that was not the case.  I know we are a little much as a family at times.  I take my responsibility in that role also.  I tend to get overheated in family counseling at times and shut down because I get so frustrated.  I sometimes feel like my voice is not heard because I don't get as much agreement as I think I should when in fact I've come to realize sometimes I am just not rational and I am not always right.  Anyhow, we went to see Taylor again Thursday night.  Apparently I was not made aware that our counseling sessions with Taylor are only for Travis and I and no longer for Kylie.  Not sure why...but I guess either way we can use it as a couple to help give us skills for her.  This particular Thursday though I did not know that and Kylie came with us.  We did work through a couple issues with her and when we left I felt a little bit bad that I had kind of undermined Taylor's ability because he did actually have some good things to say and some good input that was helpful...he just doesn't speak up as much as I think he should.   But then again with Trav and Kylie and myself constantly moving our mouths it's probably hard for him to get a word in.  I do have a new found respect for the poor guy.

We had an argument on Saturday.  Travis had to work and there was a family in the ward who was moving. We needed to help them because they helped us move.  (plus it's the Christ-like thing to do!?!?)  Kamryn had driver's education so Kylie and I were supposed to go help.  Well Kylie would not get out of bed so I ended up going myself.  I told her what the consequence would be if she chose to not go.  When I got home a couple hours later she was getting ready to meet up with a friend.  I reminded her of the consequence and we had an argument about it.  But I see progress in the argument.  She did get upset and I was also upset but neither one of us completely "lost" it which we sometimes do.  And she did understand that she had been warned and understood what the consequence would be even though she did not feel she deserve it.  She was upset for a while but got over it and did not go ahead and do what she wanted.  This is a huge step for her.  In the past she would have just left regardless of what the agreement was.  So we gave her a ton of praise for that big step.

Kylie has also been diagnosed borderline personality and if you have ever read anything about borderline personality you would immediately know it fits Kylie to a T.  However, borderline personality if I understand right is learned and not "inherited" like bi-polar.  But it is a mental illness and very hard to treat.  It is not treated with medication.

Kylie attended chur ch with me and her sisters today.  She looked really pretty and seemed to get along with her peers there well today.  Toby spiked a fever again this morning and stayed home with Trav.

We had a phenomenal sacrament meeting today where I felt like I came away with a lot and a deeper gratitude for the Savior and the gospel.  I admit I was in a bad mood when I got there and wasn't feeling overly spiritual but had a strong prompting that I was where I needed to be and should be and that prompting was followed by 2 really good talks by our relief society president and elders quorum president.  I was so happy to be sitting with my daughters.  All 3 of them.

We are preparing for a trip to Wyoming for Thanksgiving and getting excited to see all our family.  Going home always comes with the good and the bad but we are lucky we have so much family that loves us and wants to see us.