We have had a pretty quiet weekend. And I'm not complaining. I like it. Friday Kylie went to the doctor to her medication adjusted. I feel it will be a good adjustment and back to the original dose she was at at BHC. I don't know why they readjusted it at state hospital. We have looked in to a couple other drugs that are recommended for bi-polar but her doctor feels she should stay on the abilify for mood stabilizer.
Thursday night we went to family counseling with Taylor. Taylor is a young and very new counselor. In fact we are his first family. The last time we saw Taylor which was several weeks ago I left with the impression that he was going to drop us. Apparently that was not the case. I know we are a little much as a family at times. I take my responsibility in that role also. I tend to get overheated in family counseling at times and shut down because I get so frustrated. I sometimes feel like my voice is not heard because I don't get as much agreement as I think I should when in fact I've come to realize sometimes I am just not rational and I am not always right. Anyhow, we went to see Taylor again Thursday night. Apparently I was not made aware that our counseling sessions with Taylor are only for Travis and I and no longer for Kylie. Not sure why...but I guess either way we can use it as a couple to help give us skills for her. This particular Thursday though I did not know that and Kylie came with us. We did work through a couple issues with her and when we left I felt a little bit bad that I had kind of undermined Taylor's ability because he did actually have some good things to say and some good input that was helpful...he just doesn't speak up as much as I think he should. But then again with Trav and Kylie and myself constantly moving our mouths it's probably hard for him to get a word in. I do have a new found respect for the poor guy.
We had an argument on Saturday. Travis had to work and there was a family in the ward who was moving. We needed to help them because they helped us move. (plus it's the Christ-like thing to do!?!?) Kamryn had driver's education so Kylie and I were supposed to go help. Well Kylie would not get out of bed so I ended up going myself. I told her what the consequence would be if she chose to not go. When I got home a couple hours later she was getting ready to meet up with a friend. I reminded her of the consequence and we had an argument about it. But I see progress in the argument. She did get upset and I was also upset but neither one of us completely "lost" it which we sometimes do. And she did understand that she had been warned and understood what the consequence would be even though she did not feel she deserve it. She was upset for a while but got over it and did not go ahead and do what she wanted. This is a huge step for her. In the past she would have just left regardless of what the agreement was. So we gave her a ton of praise for that big step.
Kylie has also been diagnosed borderline personality and if you have ever read anything about borderline personality you would immediately know it fits Kylie to a T. However, borderline personality if I understand right is learned and not "inherited" like bi-polar. But it is a mental illness and very hard to treat. It is not treated with medication.
Kylie attended chur ch with me and her sisters today. She looked really pretty and seemed to get along with her peers there well today. Toby spiked a fever again this morning and stayed home with Trav.
We had a phenomenal sacrament meeting today where I felt like I came away with a lot and a deeper gratitude for the Savior and the gospel. I admit I was in a bad mood when I got there and wasn't feeling overly spiritual but had a strong prompting that I was where I needed to be and should be and that prompting was followed by 2 really good talks by our relief society president and elders quorum president. I was so happy to be sitting with my daughters. All 3 of them.
We are preparing for a trip to Wyoming for Thanksgiving and getting excited to see all our family. Going home always comes with the good and the bad but we are lucky we have so much family that loves us and wants to see us.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Love and Limits
Tonight was our first love and limits class. It is a 2 hour class that meets for 6 weeks and we also have one on one coaching in the home once a week. It was a great class tonight to meet other parents who are having the same struggles, thoughts, and feelings with their teens. I am ashamed to admit that I expected to go in to the class and meet "different" parents. Different as in the parents that I am battling with Kylie...the parents that don't care where their teen is or what they are doing. I was proven very wrong. The parents I met tonight were parents just like us. Trying their very best to help their teen(s) and have felt they have exhausted every option in the process. They were parents who wanted to know where their children were. They were parents who had marriage struggles because of their struggling children and they were parents that love their kids just like us.
After class Trav went back to Blackfoot and Kylie and I went to the church where they were having young women's in excellence program. We were hoping to get there in time for part the program but we didn't make it. We got there just as it was ending. I was happy to see Kylie reuniting with friends from church. It has been a while since she has seen the and I enjoyed watching her interact with them and her leaders. I just can't express how much I love the ward.
Kylie wanted to spend time with a couple friends tonight. I was not completely in favor of it. It turned out though because both friends she was going to see both had other plans. That helped a lot and Kylie did not get upset about it and she didn't keep trying to figure out a way to leave the house. She just decided to hang out with Cali and we watched a little 19 kids and Counting together. (Love that show!) Steps in the right direction!
After class Trav went back to Blackfoot and Kylie and I went to the church where they were having young women's in excellence program. We were hoping to get there in time for part the program but we didn't make it. We got there just as it was ending. I was happy to see Kylie reuniting with friends from church. It has been a while since she has seen the and I enjoyed watching her interact with them and her leaders. I just can't express how much I love the ward.
Kylie wanted to spend time with a couple friends tonight. I was not completely in favor of it. It turned out though because both friends she was going to see both had other plans. That helped a lot and Kylie did not get upset about it and she didn't keep trying to figure out a way to leave the house. She just decided to hang out with Cali and we watched a little 19 kids and Counting together. (Love that show!) Steps in the right direction!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Baby steps
Our weekend went relatively well. We were able to spend time together as a family and Kylie participated with us more than usual.
Friday night we had planned to have dinner and then go to Dumb and Dumber To. Kamryn worked until 6:45 so we met at McDonalds for dinner and then headed to the movie only to find out they were sold out until 10:15 which was a little too late for us so we came home and watched "Catching Fire" as a family. Kylie even stayed upstairs to watch it with us.
Saturday morning Kamryn had driver's ed so I took her to that and then Trav and I went to the gym. The other kids were all still asleep. When we got to the gym our friends Mike and Takara Taylor asked us if we wanted to do a fit wall session that Mike was coaching. It is a pretty pricey class but they let us try it for free and it was a great work-out...that I paid for for the remainder of the weekend. I couldn't even move on Sunday. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to sit. It hurt to stand. It hurt to exist. I think I could feel every muscle in my body and every muscle hurt. When we got back Trav took Kylie to Petsmart adoption days and she got a new little kitten that she named Cali. She's a calico kitten and cute although afraid of everything. It has been good for Kylie to have something to pay attention to and have of her very own. I honestly was thinking about getting her a little boxer puppy that Travis and Jessica Seward were selling but wasn't disappointed to have a kitten instead as I don't really care for dogs.
Saturday afternoon Trav removed snow and then we all went to Shelley to help Trav's new service manager move his family in to their rental. Kylie went and was helpful and pretty cheerful. On the way home from Shelley (which was also a lot of physical labor after the fit wall) Dillon called Travis's phone. We had been trying to get in touch with him because we wanted Kylie to end things with him and felt she would need the closure. He was obviously afraid to talk to her as he knew we had turned him in. But we arranged for him to come by the house at 9:00 AM Sunday to talk with Kylie. He didn't show up.
Which brings me to my next issue...I am so frustrated with how the law is set up. We had contacted the police for a couple issues that we knew were going on and that are against the law and were shot down. We were told there was nothing they could do and that we would not be able to prosecute for either issue. A few years back Kylie was sexually assaulted by a boy in Minnesota. Her counselor there encouraged us to press charges and take him to court which we didn't do for 2 reason. The first being that we didn't believe Pipestone could handle this type of case and it would have been really hard for Kylie socially going through something like that. The second being that Kylie did not want to. And after our experience with the law here I guess I'm glad we didn't because I don't think the law would have backed us up. If they are not willing to back us up here for crimes that I consider to be just as bad or worse than what happened in MN then I highly doubt the police department there would have backed us up there. Especially in the small community where everyone knew who he was because he was a Pipestone native as opposed to us who were just a move-in. That kind of thing was kind of a big deal there...Pipestone natives were definitely catered to. Anyway, I am extremely disappointed in the lack of willingness of help from the PD here; However, he deputy that visited with us was really nice and understanding and did take the case to the prosecuter to see if he would build a case and I believe it was at that point that we were shot down.
Sunday morning I was not feeling well. Tyler also was not feeling well. We were having stake conference and we did not make it. We did however sit down as a family and watched the general women's session of conference this last time. I felt the spirit strongly as I listened to both spoken word and the music of the women's choir they put together. And what a blessing President Uchdorf's talk was. It's hard not to love him!
Sunday afternoon consisted of football. Toby was not happy about the Packer's throwback uniforms and it took him the first quarter to get over it. He just could not believe that they were not wearing their uniforms. Kylie spent some time on school. The GREAT news is that she is now passing all of her classes. Let's hope she keeps it up.
We got a text from Kylie's friend Carson last night at about 10:00 PM. He was begging us to check on her and sent us a screenshot of her telling him that she was going to commit suicide. We jumped up and went down to her room where we found she had taken my kindle and was "messaging" on social media. We then had to debate whether or not to take her to the hospital or not. All I really know about the whole situation was that we were all exhausted. The thought of going to the ER was nauseating. Why does this always happen so late at night? We knew if we took her to the ER it would mean we would be there until at least 2 AM. Now I don't want to sound selfish but we just didn't want to take her even though I felt we should. I am tired of these threats. I felt she was doing it for attention but the hard thing about the threats is you don't ever really know. What if that 1% chance that she really means it is more than 1% chance? I really felt I knew the motivation behind it but when you have a child that is mentally ill you just don't really know for sure. We ended up bringing the kitten and Kylie up to our room and they slept in our room.
I just can't express the frustration with the suicide threats. That would be the 5th or 6th one this year. It sucks the life out of you. It is emotionally draining and you catch yourself questioning every choice you make when trying to decide what is best for Kylie.
Today Dillon showed up to talk to Kylie. Don't get me wrong I think the guy is a dirt bag but as I listened to what he had to say to Kylie I was pleasantly impressed. I heard him tell her in a nutshell that she needed to pull it together. That they would not have a relationship. That she should listen to her parents because they love her. That she should put 100% in to school. That she should not move out before she was 18 because it's really hard. That she should get better for herself. That she should put all her effort in to getting better. I heard him tell her she was an emotional wreck. I'm sure my mouth was open in awe as I watched her just sit and listen to him "lecture" her and it sounded like a true lecture by the way. She didn't argue. She didn't try to lie her way out of anything he said to her. She didn't cry when he told her it was over. I honestly don't think he has it all together and I would never ever ever ever condone that relationship but I was grateful that he was saying those words to her. They were a far cry from what M was telling her. I don't know that I saw a lot of improvement from her after but I know she took some of his words to heart.
We had a small argument with her tonight because she wanted to leave and go out with Carson for an hour. We told her no. She was upset. She isolated herself in her room and is still there. She tried to tell us how good she's been. She has been better but I wouldn't go straight to good. I mean she threatened suicide LAST NIGHT for heaven's sake! Not to mention the fact that she was on facebook today and last night and that is also a big NO NO.
I love that girl. I think of her as a baby all the time. I think of what she was like as baby Kylie...Kylie as a toddler...Kylie as a tween...and Kylie now. I often wonder what it feels like to have those demons in your mind. Sometimes when I look at her I see such a sad, empty, confused, lost girl and I know it has to be so frustrating and hard to be her. And it makes me so sad.
I'm grateful to have the gospel to help us through this and to give us light and hope. We need all the light and hope we can get. I'm grateful for encouraging words and professionals that know how to deal with these issues. I'm grateful for the knowledge that we are all children of God and that he loves us. If I have learned anything from these trials it is that we sometimes have to be taught how to love unconditionally and I have learned how to love my child unconditionally. What a privilege it is to be a parent. Even with the hard times and even when you just want to quit sometimes...throw your hands up in the air. What a great knowledge an example it is to me that Heavenly Father never does that to us and so we must never do it.
Oh and as a side note...I took Tyler to the doctor today and she has strep throat. Poor girl. If they had just given me the prescription when I took her in last Monday with Toby maybe this could have been prevented!!! I knew it was only a matter of time. Mother's intuiton.
Friday night we had planned to have dinner and then go to Dumb and Dumber To. Kamryn worked until 6:45 so we met at McDonalds for dinner and then headed to the movie only to find out they were sold out until 10:15 which was a little too late for us so we came home and watched "Catching Fire" as a family. Kylie even stayed upstairs to watch it with us.
Saturday morning Kamryn had driver's ed so I took her to that and then Trav and I went to the gym. The other kids were all still asleep. When we got to the gym our friends Mike and Takara Taylor asked us if we wanted to do a fit wall session that Mike was coaching. It is a pretty pricey class but they let us try it for free and it was a great work-out...that I paid for for the remainder of the weekend. I couldn't even move on Sunday. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to sit. It hurt to stand. It hurt to exist. I think I could feel every muscle in my body and every muscle hurt. When we got back Trav took Kylie to Petsmart adoption days and she got a new little kitten that she named Cali. She's a calico kitten and cute although afraid of everything. It has been good for Kylie to have something to pay attention to and have of her very own. I honestly was thinking about getting her a little boxer puppy that Travis and Jessica Seward were selling but wasn't disappointed to have a kitten instead as I don't really care for dogs.
Saturday afternoon Trav removed snow and then we all went to Shelley to help Trav's new service manager move his family in to their rental. Kylie went and was helpful and pretty cheerful. On the way home from Shelley (which was also a lot of physical labor after the fit wall) Dillon called Travis's phone. We had been trying to get in touch with him because we wanted Kylie to end things with him and felt she would need the closure. He was obviously afraid to talk to her as he knew we had turned him in. But we arranged for him to come by the house at 9:00 AM Sunday to talk with Kylie. He didn't show up.
Which brings me to my next issue...I am so frustrated with how the law is set up. We had contacted the police for a couple issues that we knew were going on and that are against the law and were shot down. We were told there was nothing they could do and that we would not be able to prosecute for either issue. A few years back Kylie was sexually assaulted by a boy in Minnesota. Her counselor there encouraged us to press charges and take him to court which we didn't do for 2 reason. The first being that we didn't believe Pipestone could handle this type of case and it would have been really hard for Kylie socially going through something like that. The second being that Kylie did not want to. And after our experience with the law here I guess I'm glad we didn't because I don't think the law would have backed us up. If they are not willing to back us up here for crimes that I consider to be just as bad or worse than what happened in MN then I highly doubt the police department there would have backed us up there. Especially in the small community where everyone knew who he was because he was a Pipestone native as opposed to us who were just a move-in. That kind of thing was kind of a big deal there...Pipestone natives were definitely catered to. Anyway, I am extremely disappointed in the lack of willingness of help from the PD here; However, he deputy that visited with us was really nice and understanding and did take the case to the prosecuter to see if he would build a case and I believe it was at that point that we were shot down.
Sunday morning I was not feeling well. Tyler also was not feeling well. We were having stake conference and we did not make it. We did however sit down as a family and watched the general women's session of conference this last time. I felt the spirit strongly as I listened to both spoken word and the music of the women's choir they put together. And what a blessing President Uchdorf's talk was. It's hard not to love him!
Sunday afternoon consisted of football. Toby was not happy about the Packer's throwback uniforms and it took him the first quarter to get over it. He just could not believe that they were not wearing their uniforms. Kylie spent some time on school. The GREAT news is that she is now passing all of her classes. Let's hope she keeps it up.
We got a text from Kylie's friend Carson last night at about 10:00 PM. He was begging us to check on her and sent us a screenshot of her telling him that she was going to commit suicide. We jumped up and went down to her room where we found she had taken my kindle and was "messaging" on social media. We then had to debate whether or not to take her to the hospital or not. All I really know about the whole situation was that we were all exhausted. The thought of going to the ER was nauseating. Why does this always happen so late at night? We knew if we took her to the ER it would mean we would be there until at least 2 AM. Now I don't want to sound selfish but we just didn't want to take her even though I felt we should. I am tired of these threats. I felt she was doing it for attention but the hard thing about the threats is you don't ever really know. What if that 1% chance that she really means it is more than 1% chance? I really felt I knew the motivation behind it but when you have a child that is mentally ill you just don't really know for sure. We ended up bringing the kitten and Kylie up to our room and they slept in our room.
I just can't express the frustration with the suicide threats. That would be the 5th or 6th one this year. It sucks the life out of you. It is emotionally draining and you catch yourself questioning every choice you make when trying to decide what is best for Kylie.
Today Dillon showed up to talk to Kylie. Don't get me wrong I think the guy is a dirt bag but as I listened to what he had to say to Kylie I was pleasantly impressed. I heard him tell her in a nutshell that she needed to pull it together. That they would not have a relationship. That she should listen to her parents because they love her. That she should put 100% in to school. That she should not move out before she was 18 because it's really hard. That she should get better for herself. That she should put all her effort in to getting better. I heard him tell her she was an emotional wreck. I'm sure my mouth was open in awe as I watched her just sit and listen to him "lecture" her and it sounded like a true lecture by the way. She didn't argue. She didn't try to lie her way out of anything he said to her. She didn't cry when he told her it was over. I honestly don't think he has it all together and I would never ever ever ever condone that relationship but I was grateful that he was saying those words to her. They were a far cry from what M was telling her. I don't know that I saw a lot of improvement from her after but I know she took some of his words to heart.
We had a small argument with her tonight because she wanted to leave and go out with Carson for an hour. We told her no. She was upset. She isolated herself in her room and is still there. She tried to tell us how good she's been. She has been better but I wouldn't go straight to good. I mean she threatened suicide LAST NIGHT for heaven's sake! Not to mention the fact that she was on facebook today and last night and that is also a big NO NO.
I love that girl. I think of her as a baby all the time. I think of what she was like as baby Kylie...Kylie as a toddler...Kylie as a tween...and Kylie now. I often wonder what it feels like to have those demons in your mind. Sometimes when I look at her I see such a sad, empty, confused, lost girl and I know it has to be so frustrating and hard to be her. And it makes me so sad.
I'm grateful to have the gospel to help us through this and to give us light and hope. We need all the light and hope we can get. I'm grateful for encouraging words and professionals that know how to deal with these issues. I'm grateful for the knowledge that we are all children of God and that he loves us. If I have learned anything from these trials it is that we sometimes have to be taught how to love unconditionally and I have learned how to love my child unconditionally. What a privilege it is to be a parent. Even with the hard times and even when you just want to quit sometimes...throw your hands up in the air. What a great knowledge an example it is to me that Heavenly Father never does that to us and so we must never do it.
Oh and as a side note...I took Tyler to the doctor today and she has strep throat. Poor girl. If they had just given me the prescription when I took her in last Monday with Toby maybe this could have been prevented!!! I knew it was only a matter of time. Mother's intuiton.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Huh!
Well we made it through the first day. I guess. I was rough but we made it. We started the day off with an argument about gym. I mean...first off...Trav and I didn't even go at 5 like we normally do. I took the kids to school and then went so it was after 8. She refused to go. She wouldn't get dressed or move out of the chair. I was frustrated. The gym is a regular part of our lives right now and I honestly need it for my own personal sanity and to relieve stress. It would be good for Kylie too but she refused.
Trav stayed home and had a talk with her.
My personal feelings are that she is does not really want to nor is ready to change. I have thought so many times today that it is time to admit her in to a treatment center. I heard a phone call she made to M today and M is so manipulative and such a jerk. She never fails to voice her opinion to Kylie about her parents and how "they should love you no matter what." When I Kylie got off the phone with her I said,"you do know we love you no matter what right?" M has a few things at her house that belong to us so that is why she was talking to her.
Well I guess a positive is that she worked on school and got quite a bit done. She doesn't care about quality work for sure but at least she's doing it.
My biggest concern right now is that she doesn't seem to ever learn valuable lessons. Her "friends" are not good friends. Not one of them is standing by her right now and her endless pursuit of them is nauseating. It will sound like she has access to them by me saying that but I can assure you that today she did not. It is emotionally draining having to watch her all day. It is worse than watching a 2 year old by far.
Trav stayed home and had a talk with her.
My personal feelings are that she is does not really want to nor is ready to change. I have thought so many times today that it is time to admit her in to a treatment center. I heard a phone call she made to M today and M is so manipulative and such a jerk. She never fails to voice her opinion to Kylie about her parents and how "they should love you no matter what." When I Kylie got off the phone with her I said,"you do know we love you no matter what right?" M has a few things at her house that belong to us so that is why she was talking to her.
Well I guess a positive is that she worked on school and got quite a bit done. She doesn't care about quality work for sure but at least she's doing it.
My biggest concern right now is that she doesn't seem to ever learn valuable lessons. Her "friends" are not good friends. Not one of them is standing by her right now and her endless pursuit of them is nauseating. It will sound like she has access to them by me saying that but I can assure you that today she did not. It is emotionally draining having to watch her all day. It is worse than watching a 2 year old by far.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
And....she's home
Well, we picked her up. We had a conference call with Karen (Kylie's state case worker) today and thank goodness she gave us some options and the option of always having an emergency bed at RTC. I love Karen. She has worked so hard for us. We will be starting a love and limits parenting class with her next week. Kylie will be joining us. She will also do an in-home session once a week with us which will be very individualized and beneficial I believe.
I had a flood of emotions as I was driving to Blackfoot today to check her out. I'm feeling scared about having her home again but feel an immense amount of love for my daughter who I believe is both mentally ill and a lost girl who has made some poor choices. There is great comfort in having all my children under one roof and in our "protective" care.
I drove first to John Deere to put a plan together with Trav and then we went to pick up Kylie together. Part of our plan is she will be with me everywhere I go and under constant supervision at all times. That means I will be talking to my boss at work and asking if she can come to work with me and work on school. I'm lucky that my bosses are flexible and very easy-going. I have the flexibility to come and go as I need to pretty much. She is going to be so excited to be going visiting teaching with me tomorrow! And running kids to appointments. And working out very early at the gym. And...and...and...!!! I'm prepared to be a little late to everything. Hahahahaha.
I'm grateful for the plan of salvation and for the teachings we have of eternal families. I'm grateful for all of my children. Kamryn, Tyler and Toby have all been so patient about the issues we are having with Kylie. That includes cops showing up at any given time...trips to the ER....trips to the state hospital...it's really a different experience going in to a lock-down facility to see your child. I'm grateful the lock-down facility has not yet been jail or prison. I'm grateful to have the gospel to help us through this. And mostly grateful for the Atonement which not only covers me but also my marriage and my daughter who needs it as much as I do. What a blessing it is.
I had a flood of emotions as I was driving to Blackfoot today to check her out. I'm feeling scared about having her home again but feel an immense amount of love for my daughter who I believe is both mentally ill and a lost girl who has made some poor choices. There is great comfort in having all my children under one roof and in our "protective" care.
I drove first to John Deere to put a plan together with Trav and then we went to pick up Kylie together. Part of our plan is she will be with me everywhere I go and under constant supervision at all times. That means I will be talking to my boss at work and asking if she can come to work with me and work on school. I'm lucky that my bosses are flexible and very easy-going. I have the flexibility to come and go as I need to pretty much. She is going to be so excited to be going visiting teaching with me tomorrow! And running kids to appointments. And working out very early at the gym. And...and...and...!!! I'm prepared to be a little late to everything. Hahahahaha.
I'm grateful for the plan of salvation and for the teachings we have of eternal families. I'm grateful for all of my children. Kamryn, Tyler and Toby have all been so patient about the issues we are having with Kylie. That includes cops showing up at any given time...trips to the ER....trips to the state hospital...it's really a different experience going in to a lock-down facility to see your child. I'm grateful the lock-down facility has not yet been jail or prison. I'm grateful to have the gospel to help us through this. And mostly grateful for the Atonement which not only covers me but also my marriage and my daughter who needs it as much as I do. What a blessing it is.
Glimmer of Hope
Today is Wednesday which means our 72 hours are up for emergency placement at RTC in Blackfoot. I am still up in the air about what we should do for Kylie. We can leave her there for a daily fee.
We visited her Monday night. She cried and told us she didn't need to be there. She said a lot of good things but in our minds we suspect she is just saying what we want to hear. She has said over and over again that she didn't know we were serious about admitting her into somewhere and if she had known she would have tried harder. Well why can't she just try harder because that is the right thing to do? We learned that the police department stopped by while we were gone. We haven't heard from them since.
I felt like the visit we had with her Monday was positive and I find myself holding on to the glimmer of hope but at the same time that glimmer is so frustrating because I have felt it before.
She expressed that she wants to do the right thing but when it comes right down to it she just can't. She feel her meds aren't working.
***Is it a fair chance when you are smoking marijuana and drinking?
She feels she needs spiritual help from the Bishop.
***Yes, she does! But she needs more help than that!
She feels she has coping skills.
*** (Where's the motivation to use them???)
She feels she needs one more chance.
She feels she can change and she will do whatever we ask her.
***Last time this lasted 2 weeks.
She feels we didn't ask her enough how she was.
***I asked her several times how she was doing. So did her dad. We offered her a place to sleep
in our room if she felt she was a danger to herself or needed to talk. She declined. I feel we
did all we could given the time she was spending at home which wasn't much.
I feel so conflicted about what to do. I want to send her to an expensive ranch but the advantages and disadvantages of that are so equal I don't know if that is the right decision. I spoke with a friend who has gone through similar struggles with her son and it was so nice to talk with her and have understanding about the situation. They sent him to a ranch and she said the benefits were that he was safe until he turned 18 and he got through school. Both big pluses in my eyes. However he did not change much and that is my big fear for Kylie. But at least she will be 18 and we would not be legally responsible for her choices at that point. I just can't bring myself to spend or take out a loan for that much money without the guarantee of change.
I am grateful for others who have had this struggle and can relate. I am grateful for many community resources available to us. I am grateful for family who will listen. I spoke with my father this morning for the pure reason that I wanted to hear his voice. I am grateful for the gospel.
I love my ward more than I can say. I have found them to be so unjudgemental and really reaching out to love us. I have spent some church times feeling so inadequate as a parent as I see and watch other parents whose young women and young men are incredible light seeking youth and I want that for Kylie. But that is not what she is attracted to and I have found myself trying to accept that. I have tried to accept for my own sanity.
And the temple. I would have to say going to the temple has been a struggle for me lately. I have a hard time seeing young people going on their missions. I see them maximizing their potential and I see Kylie not even touching the potential she has and it breaks my heart. I sometimes leave the temple heartbroken. But it is important and I will continue to go. I have also felt the Savior's love and my Heavenly Father's love so overpowering there and that makes it worth it.
We visited her Monday night. She cried and told us she didn't need to be there. She said a lot of good things but in our minds we suspect she is just saying what we want to hear. She has said over and over again that she didn't know we were serious about admitting her into somewhere and if she had known she would have tried harder. Well why can't she just try harder because that is the right thing to do? We learned that the police department stopped by while we were gone. We haven't heard from them since.
I felt like the visit we had with her Monday was positive and I find myself holding on to the glimmer of hope but at the same time that glimmer is so frustrating because I have felt it before.
She expressed that she wants to do the right thing but when it comes right down to it she just can't. She feel her meds aren't working.
***Is it a fair chance when you are smoking marijuana and drinking?
She feels she needs spiritual help from the Bishop.
***Yes, she does! But she needs more help than that!
She feels she has coping skills.
*** (Where's the motivation to use them???)
She feels she needs one more chance.
She feels she can change and she will do whatever we ask her.
***Last time this lasted 2 weeks.
She feels we didn't ask her enough how she was.
***I asked her several times how she was doing. So did her dad. We offered her a place to sleep
in our room if she felt she was a danger to herself or needed to talk. She declined. I feel we
did all we could given the time she was spending at home which wasn't much.
I feel so conflicted about what to do. I want to send her to an expensive ranch but the advantages and disadvantages of that are so equal I don't know if that is the right decision. I spoke with a friend who has gone through similar struggles with her son and it was so nice to talk with her and have understanding about the situation. They sent him to a ranch and she said the benefits were that he was safe until he turned 18 and he got through school. Both big pluses in my eyes. However he did not change much and that is my big fear for Kylie. But at least she will be 18 and we would not be legally responsible for her choices at that point. I just can't bring myself to spend or take out a loan for that much money without the guarantee of change.
I am grateful for others who have had this struggle and can relate. I am grateful for many community resources available to us. I am grateful for family who will listen. I spoke with my father this morning for the pure reason that I wanted to hear his voice. I am grateful for the gospel.
I love my ward more than I can say. I have found them to be so unjudgemental and really reaching out to love us. I have spent some church times feeling so inadequate as a parent as I see and watch other parents whose young women and young men are incredible light seeking youth and I want that for Kylie. But that is not what she is attracted to and I have found myself trying to accept that. I have tried to accept for my own sanity.
And the temple. I would have to say going to the temple has been a struggle for me lately. I have a hard time seeing young people going on their missions. I see them maximizing their potential and I see Kylie not even touching the potential she has and it breaks my heart. I sometimes leave the temple heartbroken. But it is important and I will continue to go. I have also felt the Savior's love and my Heavenly Father's love so overpowering there and that makes it worth it.
It starts
Sunday, November 9, 2014
It starts...
Today I found out way more than I wanted to about my daughter Kylie. The story actually starts a few years ago with our "journey" with our oldest daughter and her mental health...but today I wanted to document as I have had so many thoughts and feelings go through my mind.
My husband and I woke up this morning to a text from our daughter who said she left at 7:30 AM to hang out with her friend Carson. The rule in our home is that we attend church together on Sunday but she has actually not attended with us for a few weeks. We told her a little over a week ago she could go to church with Carson and that would be better than not attending at all. After a couple hours of texting and calling we realized she would not be going to church and was not with Carson at all.
I was up really late last night cleaning the house and waiting for Kylie who was at a dance with friends I consider to be really good friends and friends that are a positive influence on her. (These are not friends she regularly chooses to spend time with unfortunately...) She had been home to change about 7:30 PM and we had a little "discussion" about the fact she had stolen my credit card and made some charges to it. So I did not expect her to want to talk about it when she got home and I was right...she didn't. She went down to her room and avoided me and her father at all costs. My husband did ask her about it and luckily she told us where the card was.
So she already knew she was in a bit of trouble Sunday morning. My husband and I decided it was time for her to go to residential treatment...an emergency bed at a place we had set up before the weekend had started as we had had several issues earlier in the week.
We made arrangements to pick her up at her "friend's" house. A friend I will call M. M has a history of telling us how to parent and lying to us as much as Kylie. We picked Kylie up and headed to RTC (Ribbon Treatment Center) and as soon as Kylie found out where we were going she started crying and begged and pleaded with us not to take her. We've heard it all before. However...every time there is a little part of me that wants to believe her that she really is ready to change. It is heartwrenching mostly because I know it's not true but I want it for her. The pattern never seems to lead to improvement. It was nauseating taking her and admitting her in to RTC which will only keep her for 72 hours. We have admitted her so many times in the last few months to different facilities whether it be ER's, behavioral centers, state hospital...and the questions are always the same. Medical, physical, emotional stability. When is the last time you were suicidal? When is the last time you drank? Used tobacco? Are you sexually active? With who? Are you pregnant? I actually had a breakdown in a facility when they were asking her these questions a few weeks back. I think I knew the truth about some of the questions they were asking but it was different hearing her actually admitting these things.
It's funny how you think things are as bad as they can be...and then you find out even worse things. My husband and I went in to delete her facebook account tonight and found out things we did not want to know...but it's a blessing we did find out. We then invited a cop over to talk with us about some of the things we found. Maybe I will be able to post about some of these things at a later date.
My tender mercies today were that when we were driving to RTC the song "Consider the Lilies" came on and the phrase "He will lead those who trust Him and guide them with his eye" gave me so much comfort and hope today. I'm so grateful for the Atonement and for Jesus Christ. This trial I am having is hard. It's really hard. I sometimes don't want to get out of bed and face another day with her. But I'm so blessed to have a knowledge that I am a child of God and so is my "little" daughter. Her Young Women's leader stopped by today too to see her. What a blessing that was...even though she was not here. I am so blessed to have people in my life that care so deeply for Kylie and my family.
I do not know what is going to happen with Kylie. I know that we love her dearly. We are so sad for her choices. She's made some pretty bad ones. But you know...so have we as her parents. She's also made some good choices and it's really too bad the bad ones stick out so much and overpower those good ones which are few and far between.
I hope to update this often. If for no other reason then just to vent a little and have a little record of the struggles and successes we have with her.
My husband and I woke up this morning to a text from our daughter who said she left at 7:30 AM to hang out with her friend Carson. The rule in our home is that we attend church together on Sunday but she has actually not attended with us for a few weeks. We told her a little over a week ago she could go to church with Carson and that would be better than not attending at all. After a couple hours of texting and calling we realized she would not be going to church and was not with Carson at all.
I was up really late last night cleaning the house and waiting for Kylie who was at a dance with friends I consider to be really good friends and friends that are a positive influence on her. (These are not friends she regularly chooses to spend time with unfortunately...) She had been home to change about 7:30 PM and we had a little "discussion" about the fact she had stolen my credit card and made some charges to it. So I did not expect her to want to talk about it when she got home and I was right...she didn't. She went down to her room and avoided me and her father at all costs. My husband did ask her about it and luckily she told us where the card was.
So she already knew she was in a bit of trouble Sunday morning. My husband and I decided it was time for her to go to residential treatment...an emergency bed at a place we had set up before the weekend had started as we had had several issues earlier in the week.
We made arrangements to pick her up at her "friend's" house. A friend I will call M. M has a history of telling us how to parent and lying to us as much as Kylie. We picked Kylie up and headed to RTC (Ribbon Treatment Center) and as soon as Kylie found out where we were going she started crying and begged and pleaded with us not to take her. We've heard it all before. However...every time there is a little part of me that wants to believe her that she really is ready to change. It is heartwrenching mostly because I know it's not true but I want it for her. The pattern never seems to lead to improvement. It was nauseating taking her and admitting her in to RTC which will only keep her for 72 hours. We have admitted her so many times in the last few months to different facilities whether it be ER's, behavioral centers, state hospital...and the questions are always the same. Medical, physical, emotional stability. When is the last time you were suicidal? When is the last time you drank? Used tobacco? Are you sexually active? With who? Are you pregnant? I actually had a breakdown in a facility when they were asking her these questions a few weeks back. I think I knew the truth about some of the questions they were asking but it was different hearing her actually admitting these things.
It's funny how you think things are as bad as they can be...and then you find out even worse things. My husband and I went in to delete her facebook account tonight and found out things we did not want to know...but it's a blessing we did find out. We then invited a cop over to talk with us about some of the things we found. Maybe I will be able to post about some of these things at a later date.
My tender mercies today were that when we were driving to RTC the song "Consider the Lilies" came on and the phrase "He will lead those who trust Him and guide them with his eye" gave me so much comfort and hope today. I'm so grateful for the Atonement and for Jesus Christ. This trial I am having is hard. It's really hard. I sometimes don't want to get out of bed and face another day with her. But I'm so blessed to have a knowledge that I am a child of God and so is my "little" daughter. Her Young Women's leader stopped by today too to see her. What a blessing that was...even though she was not here. I am so blessed to have people in my life that care so deeply for Kylie and my family.
I do not know what is going to happen with Kylie. I know that we love her dearly. We are so sad for her choices. She's made some pretty bad ones. But you know...so have we as her parents. She's also made some good choices and it's really too bad the bad ones stick out so much and overpower those good ones which are few and far between.
I hope to update this often. If for no other reason then just to vent a little and have a little record of the struggles and successes we have with her.
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