Let me count the ways...

Well my bi-polar/borderline personality daughter has successfully made me feel bi-polar.  A bi-polar scrooge actually...I just can't get in the Christmas spirit.  I can't sleep at night.  I can't focus during the day. My mood swings are getting on my own nerves. My poor kids!  I'm watching my daughter take a downward spiral and she's going downhill fast.  She is smoking every day now.  She has a new boyfriend and boy is he a winner. 

I have been going over constantly in my mind all the things I have done wrong with my daughter.  Starting from when she was little.  I think I spanked her excessively.  I guess I didn't know any differently how to discipline her.  I can count on one hand the number of times my other children have been spanked.

At some point I allowed her to gain control of the house and I'm feeling it today how much control she has over the mood of the house.  Just the fact I don't have a shred of Christmas spirit says a lot.

I have successfully taught her how to not learn from her mistakes.

I have not instilled in her a good self-esteem.  I don't even know how to at this point.

Perhaps I have moved her too many times.

I haven't taught her how dangerous it is to use substances.  Although I thought I had.

I haven't taught her good coping skills.  I mean I don't even know if I have them.  My coping skills are to avoid confrontation at all costs and eat milk duds.

And then there is the big colossal mistake a made that I somehow relate all her behavior back to and feel so much guilt about that I can't sleep at night.  I go over and over it in my mind and wonder constantly had I not made that mistake if everything would be different now.  Maybe it wouldn't...but maybe it would.  Talk about real life consequences. 

I'm ready for her to leave.  She is disrupting the entire family.  Kamryn got in to it with her last night because she can't stand her boyfriend and let her know it.  And I found out today that she was "ordering" her cigarettes from someone on the phone in front of my little kids.  Not cool.

So now we are at this decision again...do we admit her somewhere or do we kick her out?  Do we keep trying to go on with PLL and our contract?  She has already blown through her first 2 consequences and we should have implemented the third but didn't...I guess because we didn't want to see her in residential treatment over Christmas.  That and the fact we had several responsibilities on Sunday that we couldn't shirk. Yeah...I'm over it.  By the way...did you know that the Miss Hannigan in the new Annie is black?  Yep...that's how we found out she broke the contract and was not where she was supposed to be.  Last time I checked Cameron Diaz was white!  That was the 3rd time she broke the contract.  The first being the night it was implemented and the second being the next day when she left without permission. 

The Atonement is still in effect.  I can't survive this hell without it.  Thank goodness I have Travis to go through this with.  The other person that loves her unconditionally on this earth.  That commonality means everything to me at this point. 

Exhausted!

So I started a post about a week ago and while I was typing the computer erased everything I had written so I gave up.  So here I am again but I probably shouldn't be blogging right now because I am extremely frustrated right now.  Oh well...here goes the venting session.

I'm tired.  Exhausted actually.  It's been a rough week with Kylie.  On top of her not taking her medication regularly and her attitude I am just ready to walk away.  But I know I cycle through this with her all the time.  Our PLL classes have been going well and when Karen leaves this house I always feel we are moving in a positive direction.  Then comes the time when I actually have to deal with the behavior and attitude and it sucks.  We have to be on our game with her every second of every minute and it's exhausting.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of running her to appointments.  I'm sick of going to appointments.  It is every day of the weekday that she or we have 1-2 appointments concerning her whether it be counseling, family counseling, PLL, CBRS...and then we have tons of medical bills on top of it and I'm sick to death of it.  I'm sick of trying to balance out the other kids with her issues.  The other kids by the way that are making good choices and making an effort at a good life.  It's not fair to them and I'm sick of them taking the back burner to Kylie. 

I honestly was trying to figure out a way tonight to just ship her off.  They keep telling us in PLL that we need to be careful about outside resources because the child might lose all respect for us and when they come back in the home they go back to old behaviors.  We saw this when she came home from the youth ranch.  But honestly...the girl is almost 17.  Can't she just go somewhere for a year and turn 18 and then she can do whatever she wants...legally???!!!  I mean...sometimes it seems like she does that now just not at the legal age. 

I usually try to end on a positive note with these posts but I am burnt out.  I love the poor girl.  Mental illness sucks.  Being a teenager sucks.  Being a parent of a mentally ill teenager sucks.  We have so many irons in the fire right now I just want a week off of being that parent but when your girl is mentally ill you never ever ever get that week off.  I couldn't even write a Christmas letter this year because I was afraid I couldn't come up with enough positive to say about her.  I'll get over this selfish attitude soon I'm sure but for now I'm just spent.

Merry Christmas everyone!