Well my bi-polar/borderline personality daughter has successfully made me feel bi-polar. A bi-polar scrooge actually...I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus during the day. My mood swings are getting on my own nerves. My poor kids! I'm watching my daughter take a downward spiral and she's going downhill fast. She is smoking every day now. She has a new boyfriend and boy is he a winner.
I have been going over constantly in my mind all the things I have done wrong with my daughter. Starting from when she was little. I think I spanked her excessively. I guess I didn't know any differently how to discipline her. I can count on one hand the number of times my other children have been spanked.
At some point I allowed her to gain control of the house and I'm feeling it today how much control she has over the mood of the house. Just the fact I don't have a shred of Christmas spirit says a lot.
I have successfully taught her how to not learn from her mistakes.
I have not instilled in her a good self-esteem. I don't even know how to at this point.
Perhaps I have moved her too many times.
I haven't taught her how dangerous it is to use substances. Although I thought I had.
I haven't taught her good coping skills. I mean I don't even know if I have them. My coping skills are to avoid confrontation at all costs and eat milk duds.
And then there is the big colossal mistake a made that I somehow relate all her behavior back to and feel so much guilt about that I can't sleep at night. I go over and over it in my mind and wonder constantly had I not made that mistake if everything would be different now. Maybe it wouldn't...but maybe it would. Talk about real life consequences.
I'm ready for her to leave. She is disrupting the entire family. Kamryn got in to it with her last night because she can't stand her boyfriend and let her know it. And I found out today that she was "ordering" her cigarettes from someone on the phone in front of my little kids. Not cool.
So now we are at this decision again...do we admit her somewhere or do we kick her out? Do we keep trying to go on with PLL and our contract? She has already blown through her first 2 consequences and we should have implemented the third but didn't...I guess because we didn't want to see her in residential treatment over Christmas. That and the fact we had several responsibilities on Sunday that we couldn't shirk. Yeah...I'm over it. By the way...did you know that the Miss Hannigan in the new Annie is black? Yep...that's how we found out she broke the contract and was not where she was supposed to be. Last time I checked Cameron Diaz was white! That was the 3rd time she broke the contract. The first being the night it was implemented and the second being the next day when she left without permission.
The Atonement is still in effect. I can't survive this hell without it. Thank goodness I have Travis to go through this with. The other person that loves her unconditionally on this earth. That commonality means everything to me at this point.
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