I wish I had kept up on this a little better. We have been on a pretty rocky road with our Kylie. We have seen a downward spiral with a speedy nosedive within the last couple weeks. Christmas was rough as we admitted Kylie into RTC on Christmas day in the wee early hours of the morning. She had left several times without permission and Christmas 1AM was the second night in a row we woke up to cigarette smoke in the house with an overbearing smell. We "invited" a cop to come over who confiscated the cigarettes and then gave her a ticket where she had to appear in court. She thought she would not get much trouble but the judge gave her 20 hours of community service, a tobacco awareness class, and probation for at least 30 days. Her next court date is Mar. 3.
We filed a felony rape case against a 21 year old who had sex with Kylie back in November (although I had originally thought it was much earlier in the spring) and we are in proceedings for a pre-trial set for the 20th. The male is ordered to stay 300 yards away from Kylie and our home and this will be extended to a time period of 3 years starting at his hearing on Feb 19. He posted bail and is out of jail as of Friday.
We took a trip home over New Year's and Kylie was doing so-so at that time. She was starting to come off the honeymoon period we had been on since her return from RTC over Christmas. Getting her to take her meds regularly has been a huge struggle. Sometime around New Years she started hanging out with David...the new and current boyfriend. David is...mentally ill to say the least. A part of my heart goes out to the kid who literally has nothing but the shirt on his back. He doesn't have a good past mostly due to non-existent parents. His dad has been in prison for several years and his mom disowned him a couple years ago when David and his stepdad got in to it when his stepdad was drunk. David has been in and out of friends homes for the past 2 years. He is 18. He really is mentally ill...I suspect bi-polar and he is also a pill popper. Any conversations I have read between he and Kylie have 1--reaffirmed to me they are both mentally ill and 2--mostly filthy conversations with subject matter and language a huge red flag.
He has been in the house at least 3 times that I can think of...two of them uninvited where he came through the window downstairs. Let's just say alarms are coming...they will be here on Kylie's birthday ironically enough.
The last couple weeks have been rough with Kylie. It all sorta started when I asked her to take her meds. She got extremely agitated that I asked her to take her meds and after yelling about it promptly left the house without permission. And everything kinda spiraled downhill from there. I don't believe she took her meds for a few weeks although she would disagree. Regardless...if she did take them here and there it wasn't on a consistent basis.
I met with my Bishop last week. I just needed some direction on where to go with her because it is so emotionally draining to deal with her on a daily basis. I know that sounds harsh but it is. It's emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. He said some really good things to me and when I left I felt I had revelation that helping and dealing with her is not going to end any time soon. We could still be dealing with this for many years. But I also felt a sense of peace that Heavenly Father loves me and that the Atonement will work for me every day if I choose to use it. He also reminded me that our Heavenly parents lost 1/3 of their children and did I consider them to be bad parents? Of course not. He counseled me to go to the temple. I took that counsel and went yesterday. I have been on the edge of so many emotions this last week.
Saturday Kylie overdosed on caffeine pills. She tried to commit suicide. It takes 600 mg to overdose on caffeine. Kylie took 3000 mg. We were on our way to Blackfoot to take her to RTC when she asked us to pull over. We pulled over twice and she threw up the second time. Travis asked her if she had taken something and she admitted she had taken 15 caffeine pills. We took her to the hospital where she threw up more and they put on her on some medication to bring her heart rate down and to calm her down. They UA'd her. They took really good care of her. I am so impressed with the ER here and we have been there several times so I guess I feel I can make that statement. When she was well enough to leave we took her to RTC where she has been the last 5 days.
She is coming home tonight. We have such mixed feelings. We have started the process of looking in to other placements outside the home for her. When I went to church on Sunday I think I had the realization of what had happened Saturday. She tried to take her own life. She is so unhappy...fueled not only by mental illness but bad choices. My heart is sick that she is so unhappy that she actually attempted. I realized that we can't keep her safe at home...the place she is supposed to feel the safest. Where we are ALL supposed to feel safe none of us do. And I don't want her to go away because I love her and I feel a sense of "motherliness" when all my children are home under one roof but we just can't keep her safe. She's so sick. We explained to the younger kids that her brain is sick. We explained to them it is sick because of genetics but also because of her choices. A little funny side note is that I told Toby is he played Minecraft too much his brain would get sick. I was mostly referring to addiction because he does spend more time than I think is healthy on it...but a couple days later I noticed he hadn't been playing it as much and he came up to me and said "I'm going to play Minecraft but not for very long because I don't want my brain to get sick." I am happy he realizes how bad it really is for your brain to be sick.
I went downstairs to clean her room while she has been gone. She had been sleeping in Tyler's unfinished room downstairs on the floor in the closet. Mostly I think because it was closer to the window she could sneak herself and David in and out of. I just had an overwhelming sense of how much I love her as I was cleaning her filthy and disgusting room. And I felt such an overbearing loss. I've never lost a child but I wondered if that is what it felt like. I have definitely lost Kylie. She's in there somewhere...I know she is but I don't know when she will be back.
Yesterday when I was at the temple I ended up sitting by Sherry Weyland. She is the wife of the famous Mormon fiction writer Jack Weyland. They were both in our ward in Rexburg when Trav and I lived there 18 years ago. I said hi to her and told her I remembered her from many years ago. She did not remember me. That was ok. But as I sat by her I reflected on being in that ward and taking my baby Kylie Rae and we had even gone to her home a couple times. I think I was her visiting teacher actually. But I thought of when Kylie was a baby and although she was an intense baby how much I loved her and then I thought how I wished I could have a do-over with her. Would it make a difference? Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe this is the trial we were meant to have and bear. I spent quite a chunk of time in the Celestial Room and by the time I left the temple a few things were clear to me. First, my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I am going through. Second, He loves Kylie and is the only true judge of her actions and the part her illness plays in it. Third, I will be able to handle whatever comes next. I did not get any direct answers as to what we should do with her next but I didn't exactly know for sure what I wanted or needed to pray for as weird as that sounds. I really just went because I wanted to feel close to my Heavenly Father and I did. What a blessing.
So we are pretty much narrowed down to two different facilities...one in Utah and one in Montana. It really just depends on funding from this point forward. Karen, our state mental health coordinator and the PLL counselor...Brieann, Kylie's counselor...and Brenda, Kylie's probation officer have all been a huge help to us. What a blessing to have them all in our life and to have them pulling for our family and Kylie. Karen has gone above and beyond. I can guarantee she does not make enough money for what she does and she is very good at it. And I'm so grateful for my good Bishop. I'm grateful for the counsel he gave me and for the way he loves Kylie and the rest of my children. I've said it before and I will say it again...our ward is phenomenal. I have felt no judgement there.
Kylie comes home today. Let's all hope and pray she grants us another honeymoon period and that Travis and I stay as close as we can to the Spirit so we can make the right decisions for her and our family.
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