Glimmer of Hope

Today is Wednesday which means our 72 hours are up for emergency placement at RTC in Blackfoot.  I am still up in the air about what we should do for Kylie.  We can leave her there for a daily fee. 

We visited her Monday night.  She cried and told us she didn't need to be there.  She said a lot of good things but in our minds we suspect she is just saying what we want to hear.  She has said over and over again that she didn't know we were serious about admitting her into somewhere and if she had known she would have tried harder.  Well why can't she just try harder because that is the right thing to do?  We learned that the police department stopped by while we were gone.  We haven't heard from them since.

I felt like the visit we had with her Monday was positive and I find myself holding on to the glimmer of hope but at the same time that glimmer is so frustrating because I have felt it before. 

She expressed that she wants to do the right thing but when it comes right down to it she just can't.  She feel her meds aren't working.
     ***Is it a fair chance when you are smoking marijuana and drinking?
She feels she needs spiritual help from the Bishop.
     ***Yes, she does!  But she needs more help than that!
She feels she has coping skills.
     *** (Where's the motivation to use them???)
She feels she needs one more chance.
She feels she can change and she will do whatever we ask her.
     ***Last time this lasted 2 weeks.
She feels we didn't ask her enough how she was.
     ***I asked her several times how she was doing.  So did her dad.  We offered her a place to sleep
           in our room if she felt she was a danger to herself or needed to talk.  She declined.  I feel we
           did all we could given the time she was spending at home which wasn't much. 

I feel so conflicted about what to do.  I want to send her to an expensive ranch but the advantages and disadvantages of that are so equal I don't know if that is the right decision.  I spoke with a friend who has gone through similar struggles with her son and it was so nice to talk with her and have understanding about the situation.  They sent him to a ranch and she said the benefits were that he was safe until he turned 18 and he got through school.  Both big pluses in my eyes.  However he did not change much and that is my big fear for Kylie.  But at least she will be 18 and we would not be legally responsible for her choices at that point.  I just can't bring myself to spend or take out a loan for that much money without the guarantee of change. 

I am grateful for others who have had this struggle and can relate.  I am grateful for many community resources available to us.  I am grateful for family who will listen.  I spoke with my father this morning for the pure reason that I wanted to hear his voice.  I am grateful for the gospel. 

I love my ward more than I can say.  I have found them to be so unjudgemental and really reaching out to love us.  I have spent some church times feeling so inadequate as a parent as I see and watch other parents whose young women and young men are incredible light seeking youth and I want that for Kylie.  But that is not what she is attracted to and I have found myself trying to accept that.  I have tried to accept for my own sanity. 

And the temple.  I would have to say going to the temple has been a struggle for me lately.  I have a hard time seeing young people going on their missions.  I see them maximizing their potential and I see Kylie not even touching the potential she has and it breaks my heart.  I sometimes leave the temple heartbroken.  But it is important and I will continue to go.  I have also felt the Savior's love and my Heavenly Father's love so overpowering there and that makes it worth it.