Baby steps

Our weekend went relatively well.  We were able to spend time together as a family and Kylie participated with us more than usual. 

Friday night we had planned to have dinner and then go to Dumb and Dumber To.  Kamryn worked until 6:45 so we met at McDonalds for dinner and then headed to the movie only to find out they were sold out until 10:15 which was a little too late for us so we came home and watched "Catching Fire" as a family.  Kylie even stayed upstairs to watch it with us.

Saturday morning Kamryn had driver's ed so I took her to that and then Trav and I went to the gym.  The other kids were all still asleep.  When we got to the gym our friends Mike and Takara Taylor asked us if we wanted to do a fit wall session that Mike was coaching.  It is a pretty pricey class but they let us try it for free and it was a great work-out...that I paid for for the remainder of the weekend.  I couldn't even move on Sunday.  It hurt to laugh.  It hurt to sit.  It hurt to stand.  It hurt to exist.  I think I could feel every muscle in my body and every muscle hurt.  When we got back Trav took Kylie to Petsmart adoption days and she got a new little kitten that she named Cali.  She's a calico kitten and cute although afraid of everything.  It has been good for Kylie to have something to pay attention to and have of her very own.  I honestly was thinking about getting her a little boxer puppy that Travis and Jessica Seward were selling but wasn't disappointed to have a kitten instead as I don't really care for dogs.

Saturday afternoon Trav removed snow and then we all went to Shelley to help Trav's new service manager move his family in to their rental.  Kylie went and was helpful and pretty cheerful.  On the way home from Shelley (which was also a lot of physical labor after the fit wall) Dillon called Travis's phone.  We had been trying to get in touch with him because we wanted Kylie to end things with him and felt she would need the closure.  He was obviously afraid to talk to her as he knew we had turned him in.  But we arranged for him to come by the house at 9:00 AM Sunday to talk with Kylie.  He didn't show up.

Which brings me to my next issue...I am so frustrated with how the law is set up.  We had contacted the police for a couple issues that we knew were going on and that are against the law and were shot down.  We were told there was nothing they could do and that we would not be able to prosecute for either issue.  A few years back Kylie was sexually assaulted by a boy in Minnesota. Her counselor there encouraged us to press charges and take him to court which we didn't do for 2 reason.  The first being that we didn't believe Pipestone could handle this type of case and it would have been really hard for Kylie socially going through something like that.  The second being that Kylie did not want to.  And after our experience with the law here I guess I'm glad we didn't because I don't think the law would have backed us up.  If they are not willing to back us up here for crimes that I consider to be just as bad or worse than what happened in MN then I highly doubt the police department there would have backed us up there.  Especially in the small community where everyone knew who he was because he was a Pipestone native as opposed to us who were just a move-in.  That kind of thing was kind of a big deal there...Pipestone natives were definitely catered to.  Anyway, I am extremely disappointed in the lack of willingness of help from the PD here; However, he deputy that visited with us was really nice and understanding and did take the case to the prosecuter to see if he would build a case and I believe it was at that point that we were shot down.

Sunday morning I was not feeling well.  Tyler also was not feeling well.  We were having stake conference and we did not make it.  We did however sit down as a family and watched  the general women's session of conference this last time.  I felt the spirit strongly as I listened to both spoken word and the music of the women's choir they put together.  And what a blessing President Uchdorf's talk was.  It's hard not to love him!

Sunday afternoon consisted of football.  Toby was not happy about the Packer's throwback uniforms and it took him the first quarter to get over it.  He just could not believe that they were not wearing their uniforms.  Kylie spent some time on school.  The GREAT news is that she is now passing all of her classes.  Let's hope she keeps it up. 

We got a text from Kylie's friend Carson last night at about 10:00 PM.  He was begging us to check on her and sent us a screenshot of her telling him that she was going to commit suicide.  We jumped up and went down to her room where we found she had taken my kindle and was "messaging" on social media.  We then had to debate whether or not to take her to the hospital or not.  All I really know about the whole situation was that we were all exhausted.  The thought of going to the ER was nauseating.  Why does this always happen so late at night?  We knew if we took her to the ER it would mean we would be there until at least 2 AM.  Now I don't want to sound selfish but we just didn't want to take her even though I felt we should.  I am tired of these threats.  I felt she was doing it for attention but the hard thing about the threats is you don't ever really know.  What if that 1% chance that she really means it is more than 1% chance?  I really felt I knew the motivation behind it but when you have a child that is mentally ill you just don't really know for sure.  We ended up bringing the kitten and Kylie up to our room and they slept in our room. 

I just can't express the frustration with the suicide threats.  That would be the 5th or 6th one this year.  It sucks the life out of you.  It is emotionally draining and you catch yourself questioning every choice you make when trying to decide what is best for Kylie. 

Today Dillon showed up to talk to Kylie.  Don't get me wrong I think the guy is a dirt bag but as I listened to what he had to say to Kylie I was pleasantly impressed.  I heard him tell her in a nutshell that she needed to pull it together.  That they would not have a relationship.  That she should listen to her parents because they love her.  That she should put 100% in to school.  That she should not move out before she was 18 because it's really hard.  That she should get better for herself.  That she should put all her effort in to getting better.  I heard him tell her she was an emotional wreck.  I'm sure my mouth was open in awe as I watched her just sit and listen to him "lecture" her and it sounded like a true lecture by the way.  She didn't argue.  She didn't try to lie her way out of anything he said to her.  She didn't cry when he told her it was over.  I honestly don't think he has it all together and I would never ever ever ever condone that relationship but I was grateful that he was saying those words to her.  They were a far cry from what M was telling her.  I don't know that I saw a lot of improvement from her after but I know she took some of his words to heart.

We had a small argument with her tonight because she wanted to leave and go out with Carson for an hour.  We told her no.  She was upset.  She isolated herself in her room and is still there.  She tried to tell us how good she's been.  She has been better but I wouldn't go straight to good.  I mean she threatened suicide LAST NIGHT for heaven's sake! Not to mention the fact that she was on facebook today and last night and that is also a big NO NO.

I love that girl.  I think of her as a baby all the time.  I think of what she was like as baby Kylie...Kylie as a toddler...Kylie as a tween...and Kylie now.  I often wonder what it feels like to have those demons in your mind.  Sometimes when I look at her I see such a sad, empty, confused, lost girl and I know it has to be so frustrating and hard to be her.  And it makes me so sad.

I'm grateful to have the gospel to help us through this and to give us light and hope.  We need all the light and hope we can get.  I'm grateful for encouraging words and professionals that know how to deal with these issues.  I'm grateful for the knowledge that we are all children of God and that he loves us.  If I have learned anything from these trials it is that we sometimes have to be taught how to love unconditionally and I have learned how to love my child unconditionally.  What a privilege it is to be a parent.  Even with the hard times and even when you just want to quit sometimes...throw your hands up in the air.  What a great knowledge an example it is to me that Heavenly Father never does that to us and so we must never do it.

Oh and as a side note...I took Tyler to the doctor today and she has strep throat.  Poor girl.  If they had just given me the prescription when I took her in last Monday with Toby maybe this could have been prevented!!!  I knew it was only a matter of time.  Mother's intuiton.